Kirsten Linnabary's Portfolio

This past year has been much different and much more difficult than the past two. The most significant event that happened this past year was the passing of my Grandpa, Bob Linnabary, on May 4th, 2016, which was the week before summer classes started last year.

              

During the funeral, I was numb, and the week after that, I classes started and I buried myself in work. One large pattern that I have noticed about myself is that I have a tendency to bottle emotions up and spend my energies on other aspects of my life to try to forget why I’m hurting.  I focused on what I thought was important – schoolwork and good grades. I took eighteen credit hours over the summer, and I took an important director position in my sorority – Phi Sigma Rho – at that time too.

              

That summer, I was miserable. It felt as though there was a terrible taste in my mouth that I couldn’t seem to get rid of, or that I had forgotten something important and couldn’t seem to find it.

              

I wanted to hide from it all. I couldn’t find fulfillment in anything I did. Before that summer semester, I wanted to go to medical school, so I started taking as many pre-med classes as I could. Then I loathed those classes. In my position in Phi Sigma Rho, I started to feel as though all of my relationships in that organization were fake, like I was talking to everyone behind a mask.

              

In hindsight, even though I was social, I was alone in my grief, no matter what crowd I was in.

              

In the fall semester, I took a step back. I went inactive in Phi Sigma Rho, and I didn’t take any classes because I had gone back to my co-op at Elite Biomedical Solutions. I live about a mile away from campus, and I avoided most of the clubs I participated in.

              

All except for one. In my freshmen year of college,

I joined NOSH, which is a youth group at The Edge

House Ministries.

              

The head of The Edge House, Rev. Alice Connor,

invites people from all walks of life to visit the ministry.

And people who are facing exceptionally different

experiences do, indeed, come. Multiple people at The

Edge House are in the process of gender transitions,

and another group of participants went to the

Republican National Conference this past year.

              

And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

              

What kept me coming to The Edge House versus all

of my other extracurriculars was the openness and

vulnerability that everyone else showed me. They

would tell me their life’s story, and then they would

listen – really listen – to mine. I had found a place to

mourn, and my friendship with those people deepened

considerably.

              

I started to feel better, and in the spring, I jumped back

into my normal busy schedule. I again took eighteen

credit hours’ worth of classes, and I took an executive

board position in Phi Sigma Rho. Again, I started to

overburden myself in hope that work would numb the

grief I still felt.

              

And again, it didn’t help. I spent most of my spring semester stressed and tired, and that only made my emotional state worse.

              

But also, thanks to Alice and the other members of The Edge House, I started to question why I felt the way I felt, and I started to see the patterns behind some of my actions. I can’t say that I always understood why I did what I did, but I started to get intentional with my life and my actions, and I had friends to support me in that endeavor.

              

Thanks to the people at The Edge House and how they’ve impacted me, I’ve come to terms with my grandfather’s passing. I’m healing. And I’ve learned that I need to accept my inadequacies and “defects” (if I can even call them that), as well as the pain from living a human life, because those are the things that make my life unique and wonderful.

              

A piece of advice that I would give to myself this upcoming year would be to focus on being intentional. I no longer want to continue to bottle up my emotions, because I know that doesn’t work, but instead I would rather feel them and accept them for what they are.

              

My thoughts about who I am have evolved considerably this year. In the past, I have seen myself as someone who needs to be perfect. But now, I know that goal is unattainable. Now, I see myself as human. I’m imperfect, and that fact should be celebrated, not buried.

              

This fact will inform my next steps because it allows me room to grow and challenge myself in ways that I would have been too scared to do before. Before this year, I was not all right with the thought of failure. Now, I’m willing to make an effort in something that I have a chance at failing at, just because I want to.

              

One goal that I have set for myself for the upcoming year is to enjoy my experience as an International Co-op Program (ICP) student. This summer, I will be taking a German intensive course, in the spring and summer of 2018, I will be working in Germany. I can’t wait to start the program, and my goal for next year is to enjoy the challenge and experience that program will bring.